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9:42 AM Dumb-Ass
The phone rang again. I pulled it out of the wall and threw it at the window where the zombie was still contemplating the hole in the barrier that he’d created between us. For a zombie, he wasn’t too bright.
Not that they’re bright creatures, anyway; at least from what I know of them. That isn’t to say that I know a lot about them, it’s just how Hollywood has depicted them over the last half century or so; not that they know anything about them either.
Well, someone in Hollywood must have met one or two in order to get that point across. Not that I’m an expert or anything.
Something needed to be done, and quickly. From what I gathered, again, I’m not an expert on zombies; they needed their heads bashed in… or.. something to do with the head and the brain (#hollywood).
The only weapon I had with me was a sword. I could just as easily decapitate one, but I don’t know how good that would work, and I would need to be outside… with them. Yeah, let me get right on that.
I took a deep breath, grabbed my sword, stood up, and looked out the window into the eyes of my enemy as he snarled and half growled at me, and I sat back down on the floor in the hallway with my wife and daughter. I let them know that it would be ok, and the timing wasn’t right, just yet.
10:03 AM:
My cell phone rang. I wasn’t so easily startled this time. It was Jim. I was relieved. Not that I feared it was one of them on the line. But rather that he was still alive, and was on his way and would be here in about twenty minutes.
I told him that if he could make a pit stop somewhere for me, I’d reimburse him for whatever cost it may accrue. After telling me what he thought about that ("F**k No!"), he kindly told me that he was just coming straight here.
10:10 AM: Balls
I finally had gotten the balls to face my enemy head on, so to speak. I stood up and walked to the window, sword in hand.
As I got closer to the window, I looked at the man who was once alive and my neighbor from two doors down, standing there looking at me. I wondered if he knew who I was or if all of that was gone and only the bare instincts were present.
He stopped moving and stared at me. I got closer to him as he raised his arms to try and grasp something of mine to pull toward him.
I’m so glad I was fully clothed. That would have been both weird and awkward.
The more he tried to grasp at me, the more frustrated he became, and the louder he got. He tried yelling and screaming, but ended up sounding like Frankenstein’s monster - on crack.
I got a little closer, just out of reach and raised my sword to strike. My wife covered my daughter’s eyes as well as shielded her own. I raised the sword above my head and brought it down upon my screaming, mentally challenged sounding neighbor’s skull. He stopped screaming and fell over onto the broken glass from the window pane. I raised my sword again, this time, bringing down on his neck, thus decapitating my… enemy… neighbor… zombie… thing.
That was, without a doubt, the most disgusting thing I have ever done, next to eating dog food as a kid. Needless to say, I will need a shower - and lots of therapy, probably for the dog food, too.
(Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I had to move the body out of the window pane and toss his head out, too. It hit the ground with a small, squishy sounding thud. I almost dry heaved.)
We needed to get out, to a safer location because the neighbor just brought the attention of others. I ran to the garage in order to find something to place in the window as to prevent more from trying to enter. I found wood, but still no nails. (As if I thought they would miraculously appear within the time frame that I mentioned all this.)
I did manage to find DUCT TAPE! BOOYAH! |
